The more and more I stay where I am even if who I am is starting to change even more heavily than ever the more lost I become.
I was happy just half a year ago with a goal to strive for and even when it all came crashing down on me due to local politics I was more than satisfied to let it go and come back to it if the right opportunity presented itself.
Then a drastic personal change took over me. For the better I would say too. I’ve minimized things that are damaging to my health cold turkey and without even any prompting. The gym has become a more regular thing that soon I think I’ll be going 5 days a week and will feel the need to go there.
And the largest change to my personality has come. I’ve just become aloof. Not just aloof with girls. Or aloof with the nightlife oafs. Or aloof with the people I don’t care for. But generally just aloof.
It’s scary now that I don’t know where I’m headed. I spend late nights just thinking about it how everything is so blank in front of me besides some rough things I plan to do for my own entertainment in the near future.
If anything I’ve finally discovered what unhappiness feels like. It’s that nagging feeling of dissatisfaction with the way I am. It’s enough that I’ve become deeply insecure in who I am to a large degree.
The confidence is no doubt still there. But now a void I thought I left long behind me is coming back right into me.
It’s a never ending loop.
I think that’s the next test in life for me.
Nihilism and apathy are unbecoming of me and I’d hate to see that be who I am. Or worse become that.
All the best,
Comte De St. Germain